This is the final part of my introduction. I feel like it is important to give a brief history of me, as it will provide the background of how I got to this point. It is also therapeutic in a way, as I'm having to re-live memories that aren't very pleasant, instead of pretending that they didn't exist.
The lost years
After my mother passed away, I was pretty much in shock and emotionless. It was almost like I was in a coma, but coherent. Just going through the motions, for the most part. A few months after her death, my alcohol dependency was out of control. I was still running my business, but as soon as I was done for the day, I was buying alcohol. I recall being in line to buy beer at 8 AM, one day and thinking "what the hell am I doing?" It was then that I recognized and accepted that I had a problem. I remember telling some friends that I was going to quit drinking and switch to drugs. We laughed it off, but eventually, I refer to this period of my life as "the lost years". Sure enough, I stopped drinking...a promise that I kept for over 2 years, but at a cost.
I will never forget the day that I had to pick my daughter, who was now a freshman in high school, up from school early. I had to go to the office and wait for her and while I was waiting, I noticed a flyer on the wall talking about different types of drugs that teenagers are currently taking. One in particular stood out to me...Dextromethorphan or DXM. I remember dropping her off and then going home to do research on it. DXM is basically the main ingredient in some types of cough medicine (syrup/pills). Depending on the amount that you take, it can produce euphoric feelings and can even cause you to disassociate, somewhat like Ketamine. I was very intrigued by this fact and after doing my homework, I bought myself a bottle. I must say that my first time was amazing. I was listening to The Beatles and swore I heard things in songs that I have never heard before. Little did I know, that this experience would really cause such an impact in my life.
For the next 2 years, there probably wasn't a day where I didn't get high. It really seemed to open up my creative outlet and as someone into photography, it seemed a perfect match. At this point, running my business became secondary and drugs took over. I would either go into work and get high and shoot photos immediately after I was done or I would just not go in at all and do the same. This came with a cost of course, health issues like upset stomach and severe anxiety attacks were pretty common. In my mind, it was justified by the fact that I wasn't drinking. Gwen knew about all this and tolerated it to extent, but things would sometimes get to a point where I started to develop memory issues. I would be looking for something and it was right in front of me and there is countless days that I don't even recall. Who knows what I was doing? It eventually got a point where I was almost completely detached. It was all about me. At some point during this phase, I decided that I wanted to be single and Gwen and I separated. I ended up living with one of my clients and continued to repeat my pattern of destructive behavior. Gwen and I were separated maybe 6 months, when I decided that I didn't like being single/alone and I made an attempt to reconcile. I did what I felt I had to do and eventually, Gwen let me move back in and resume "normal" life.
After I moved back in, I was still getting high, but I had to be very secretive about it. I think I actually saw this as a rush...thinking that I was smarter than her because she didn't know. One thing I noticed was that I began to lose business at my gym. Clients trusted me and slowly they began to leave, because I just wasn't there, for the most part. This took an enormous toll on me, as I quite often would work and not get paid, because I had rent or utilities that I had to pay.
It was at this point that I realized that drug abuse was the root cause of things, so I decided that I should quit. I hadn't had a drink for years, but I felt as if the only way I could quit drugs, was to start drinking again. Sure enough, I made the transition from drug addict, back to alcoholic.
New job
In the Summer of 2015, I was so stressed out and tired, that I closed my business. I didn't know what I was going to do, but knew I could find something. In the Fall, I found a job at a corporate gym and worked there for a few months. It was exciting at first, but as things tend to go, the pressure ended up getting to me and I quit.
That brings us to where I am now...unemployed and dealing with addiction on a daily basis. Gwen had lost her job in the Summer, but ended up getting another sometime in November. The catch was that she had to go out of town for a month for training. It has been nearly 2 weeks since she has been gone and it is tough as hell for me. I often feel like she abandoned me. I spent probably an hour or two per day applying for jobs, but I'm finding out that it's not that easy to find a good job, especially without a degree.
Conclusion
So that's a little bit about me. I feel like I have covered quite a few key moments in my life that has resulted in shaping who I am. Borderline Personality Me.
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