Out of town

For the last 2 weeks, my wife has been out of town for work. Aside from times that we separated, this is the longest I can recall us being apart. Maybe a week before she left, my frequency of drinking rapidly increased. I'm not sure if it was because of being nervous about finding a job or the fact that I knew she would be gone for awhile, but I was basically getting drunk every night. When I say drunk, I don't mean buzzed, I mean that I was getting wasted, for lack of a better term. There were a few pretty intense arguments. It was as if would pick on her or turn non-issues into gigantic ones. My memory is pretty hazy, to be honest. I don't remember many specifics, but remember how I felt...angry, abandoned, sad and insecure.

 Alcohol aside, I wonder if part of this was me preparing myself for having to be at the house without her? Even though I obviously knew that was going because of work, in my mind, it was as if she was leaving me. The night before she left was a terrible one. I was drunk, as usual and we got into a heated argument over something that I can't even recall. I remember her screaming at me and even getting physical. The day she left, I felt guilty, regretful and embarrassed.

Since I am not working, I have a lot of free time. Free time that allows my brain to go on overdrive. I would get enraged if she would not text/call me back. I would play these scenarios out in my head and wonder "what is she REALLY doing?". Since she has been gone, I have been dealing with severe insomnia, which isn't helping things. After she was gone for a few days and I was sober again, I decided that I need to start back trying to figure out how to deal with my Borderline. I spent hours reading various articles,forums and blogs. One conclusion that numerous sources referred to, was that the only one who can fix me, is myself. Now my wife is a "fixer" type of person, so this combination can often get volatile, but deep down, I feel as secure with her, as I have ever felt with anyone

 One thing I really have tried to make an effort in doing, is to not act on emotional impulse. One example might be to wait a few minutes to send an accusatory text...sort of like the adage of counting to 10 before you spank your child. While it doesn't feel quite natural, I believe it has saved a ton of unnecessary arguments and anxiety. It's been nearly 2 weeks now and she is on her way home for the weekend. I'm really looking forward to it!