Gwen is finished with her out of town training today. It's about a 4-5 hour drive and she is not sure if she wants to leave today or tomorrow. Everything was going well yesterday, but for some reason, a switched flipped and I had a meltdown. I could not wrap my head around the fact that she might not leave until Saturday and I took it out on her. I believe there were a few reasons for this. Part of me had the belief that I didn't mean anything to her, because if I did, she would leave to come home immediately after class was out. Another part of me was worried that she would party with her classmates and end up getting drunk and would cheat on me.
As I type this, I realize how ridiculous my actions and thought process was. When that switch is flipped, I completely change and it's almost like an out of body experience. I get so worked up and my emotions are on overdrive, that I say and do things without thinking. Gwen has been going to bed around 8:30-9, since she has to be awake at 4 a.m., but last night I kept harassing her to the point that it was after 10:00 and she had to turn her phone off. Today she is super exhausted because of it and I feel like complete shit, because it's my fault. It's a classic example of how there is no gray area with borderlines. She still has not said when she will be leaving, but part of me hopes she waits until tomorrow. That will give her time to rest and hopefully the anger towards me will not be so intense.
I begin my new job this Monday and am looking forward to it. For one, it will be nice to get a paycheck again, especially with Christmas a few weeks away. It will also be nice to have something to occupy my time. I haven't worked for the last month and aside from applying for jobs and going to interviews, I have been incredibly unproductive. When I have so much free time, my mind tends to race and anxiety and paranoia set in. Sucks.
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