Gwen is finished with her out of town training today. It's about a 4-5 hour drive and she is not sure if she wants to leave today or tomorrow. Everything was going well yesterday, but for some reason, a switched flipped and I had a meltdown. I could not wrap my head around the fact that she might not leave until Saturday and I took it out on her. I believe there were a few reasons for this. Part of me had the belief that I didn't mean anything to her, because if I did, she would leave to come home immediately after class was out. Another part of me was worried that she would party with her classmates and end up getting drunk and would cheat on me.
As I type this, I realize how ridiculous my actions and thought process was. When that switch is flipped, I completely change and it's almost like an out of body experience. I get so worked up and my emotions are on overdrive, that I say and do things without thinking. Gwen has been going to bed around 8:30-9, since she has to be awake at 4 a.m., but last night I kept harassing her to the point that it was after 10:00 and she had to turn her phone off. Today she is super exhausted because of it and I feel like complete shit, because it's my fault. It's a classic example of how there is no gray area with borderlines. She still has not said when she will be leaving, but part of me hopes she waits until tomorrow. That will give her time to rest and hopefully the anger towards me will not be so intense.
I begin my new job this Monday and am looking forward to it. For one, it will be nice to get a paycheck again, especially with Christmas a few weeks away. It will also be nice to have something to occupy my time. I haven't worked for the last month and aside from applying for jobs and going to interviews, I have been incredibly unproductive. When I have so much free time, my mind tends to race and anxiety and paranoia set in. Sucks.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Monday, December 7, 2015
Excess
I took the kids up to visit Gwen over the weekend. She has one more week left in training and will be back home this Saturday. Overall it went okay, but it went by very fast, especially considering it's a 5 hour drive. The only slightly borderline moment occurred when it was almost time to leave. In my mind, I told myself that the kids and I would leave at 1 p.m., but there was a change of plans. Gwen wanted us to visit her companies headquarters and between the drive over there and the time spent touring it, we didn't get on the road until after 1:30. Yes I realize that it is only 30 minutes, but I have a huge problem when plans change and I hate it. I tend to work well with structure and that is something that I haven't had for a few years, it seems. Another issue I have had to deal with the last few weeks is a super poor diet. Over the last 15 years, healthy diet and exercise has been a huge part of my life. For the last month or so, it's been the opposite. It seems like I purposely try to eat the worst foods and as much as I possibly can. It reminds me of my drinking habits. There was no moderation...it was always to excess. I tell myself, okay, starting tomorrow, I'll eat better and exercise. It's always tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Quick update
Short post today...I had been struggling with pretty severe insomnia in the few weeks that Gwen has been out of town. I think it was related partially to being out of meds and the fact that my routine was out of whack. She returned for the weekend and I finally was able to get some good solid sleep. The time went by too fast, but we had fun and I don't recall any borderline moments. My plan this week is to keep looking and applying for jobs, continue being sober and to take each moment, one at a time.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Out of town
For the last 2 weeks, my wife has been out of town for work. Aside from times that we separated, this is the longest I can recall us being apart. Maybe a week before she left, my frequency of drinking rapidly increased. I'm not sure if it was because of being nervous about finding a job or the fact that I knew she would be gone for awhile, but I was basically getting drunk every night. When I say drunk, I don't mean buzzed, I mean that I was getting wasted, for lack of a better term. There were a few pretty intense arguments. It was as if would pick on her or turn non-issues into gigantic ones. My memory is pretty hazy, to be honest. I don't remember many specifics, but remember how I felt...angry, abandoned, sad and insecure.
Alcohol aside, I wonder if part of this was me preparing myself for having to be at the house without her? Even though I obviously knew that was going because of work, in my mind, it was as if she was leaving me. The night before she left was a terrible one. I was drunk, as usual and we got into a heated argument over something that I can't even recall. I remember her screaming at me and even getting physical. The day she left, I felt guilty, regretful and embarrassed.
Since I am not working, I have a lot of free time. Free time that allows my brain to go on overdrive. I would get enraged if she would not text/call me back. I would play these scenarios out in my head and wonder "what is she REALLY doing?". Since she has been gone, I have been dealing with severe insomnia, which isn't helping things. After she was gone for a few days and I was sober again, I decided that I need to start back trying to figure out how to deal with my Borderline. I spent hours reading various articles,forums and blogs. One conclusion that numerous sources referred to, was that the only one who can fix me, is myself. Now my wife is a "fixer" type of person, so this combination can often get volatile, but deep down, I feel as secure with her, as I have ever felt with anyone
One thing I really have tried to make an effort in doing, is to not act on emotional impulse. One example might be to wait a few minutes to send an accusatory text...sort of like the adage of counting to 10 before you spank your child. While it doesn't feel quite natural, I believe it has saved a ton of unnecessary arguments and anxiety. It's been nearly 2 weeks now and she is on her way home for the weekend. I'm really looking forward to it!
Alcohol aside, I wonder if part of this was me preparing myself for having to be at the house without her? Even though I obviously knew that was going because of work, in my mind, it was as if she was leaving me. The night before she left was a terrible one. I was drunk, as usual and we got into a heated argument over something that I can't even recall. I remember her screaming at me and even getting physical. The day she left, I felt guilty, regretful and embarrassed.
Since I am not working, I have a lot of free time. Free time that allows my brain to go on overdrive. I would get enraged if she would not text/call me back. I would play these scenarios out in my head and wonder "what is she REALLY doing?". Since she has been gone, I have been dealing with severe insomnia, which isn't helping things. After she was gone for a few days and I was sober again, I decided that I need to start back trying to figure out how to deal with my Borderline. I spent hours reading various articles,forums and blogs. One conclusion that numerous sources referred to, was that the only one who can fix me, is myself. Now my wife is a "fixer" type of person, so this combination can often get volatile, but deep down, I feel as secure with her, as I have ever felt with anyone
One thing I really have tried to make an effort in doing, is to not act on emotional impulse. One example might be to wait a few minutes to send an accusatory text...sort of like the adage of counting to 10 before you spank your child. While it doesn't feel quite natural, I believe it has saved a ton of unnecessary arguments and anxiety. It's been nearly 2 weeks now and she is on her way home for the weekend. I'm really looking forward to it!
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Introduction part 4
This is the final part of my introduction. I feel like it is important to give a brief history of me, as it will provide the background of how I got to this point. It is also therapeutic in a way, as I'm having to re-live memories that aren't very pleasant, instead of pretending that they didn't exist.
The lost years
After my mother passed away, I was pretty much in shock and emotionless. It was almost like I was in a coma, but coherent. Just going through the motions, for the most part. A few months after her death, my alcohol dependency was out of control. I was still running my business, but as soon as I was done for the day, I was buying alcohol. I recall being in line to buy beer at 8 AM, one day and thinking "what the hell am I doing?" It was then that I recognized and accepted that I had a problem. I remember telling some friends that I was going to quit drinking and switch to drugs. We laughed it off, but eventually, I refer to this period of my life as "the lost years". Sure enough, I stopped drinking...a promise that I kept for over 2 years, but at a cost.
I will never forget the day that I had to pick my daughter, who was now a freshman in high school, up from school early. I had to go to the office and wait for her and while I was waiting, I noticed a flyer on the wall talking about different types of drugs that teenagers are currently taking. One in particular stood out to me...Dextromethorphan or DXM. I remember dropping her off and then going home to do research on it. DXM is basically the main ingredient in some types of cough medicine (syrup/pills). Depending on the amount that you take, it can produce euphoric feelings and can even cause you to disassociate, somewhat like Ketamine. I was very intrigued by this fact and after doing my homework, I bought myself a bottle. I must say that my first time was amazing. I was listening to The Beatles and swore I heard things in songs that I have never heard before. Little did I know, that this experience would really cause such an impact in my life.
For the next 2 years, there probably wasn't a day where I didn't get high. It really seemed to open up my creative outlet and as someone into photography, it seemed a perfect match. At this point, running my business became secondary and drugs took over. I would either go into work and get high and shoot photos immediately after I was done or I would just not go in at all and do the same. This came with a cost of course, health issues like upset stomach and severe anxiety attacks were pretty common. In my mind, it was justified by the fact that I wasn't drinking. Gwen knew about all this and tolerated it to extent, but things would sometimes get to a point where I started to develop memory issues. I would be looking for something and it was right in front of me and there is countless days that I don't even recall. Who knows what I was doing? It eventually got a point where I was almost completely detached. It was all about me. At some point during this phase, I decided that I wanted to be single and Gwen and I separated. I ended up living with one of my clients and continued to repeat my pattern of destructive behavior. Gwen and I were separated maybe 6 months, when I decided that I didn't like being single/alone and I made an attempt to reconcile. I did what I felt I had to do and eventually, Gwen let me move back in and resume "normal" life.
After I moved back in, I was still getting high, but I had to be very secretive about it. I think I actually saw this as a rush...thinking that I was smarter than her because she didn't know. One thing I noticed was that I began to lose business at my gym. Clients trusted me and slowly they began to leave, because I just wasn't there, for the most part. This took an enormous toll on me, as I quite often would work and not get paid, because I had rent or utilities that I had to pay.
It was at this point that I realized that drug abuse was the root cause of things, so I decided that I should quit. I hadn't had a drink for years, but I felt as if the only way I could quit drugs, was to start drinking again. Sure enough, I made the transition from drug addict, back to alcoholic.
New job
In the Summer of 2015, I was so stressed out and tired, that I closed my business. I didn't know what I was going to do, but knew I could find something. In the Fall, I found a job at a corporate gym and worked there for a few months. It was exciting at first, but as things tend to go, the pressure ended up getting to me and I quit.
That brings us to where I am now...unemployed and dealing with addiction on a daily basis. Gwen had lost her job in the Summer, but ended up getting another sometime in November. The catch was that she had to go out of town for a month for training. It has been nearly 2 weeks since she has been gone and it is tough as hell for me. I often feel like she abandoned me. I spent probably an hour or two per day applying for jobs, but I'm finding out that it's not that easy to find a good job, especially without a degree.
Conclusion
So that's a little bit about me. I feel like I have covered quite a few key moments in my life that has resulted in shaping who I am. Borderline Personality Me.
The lost years
After my mother passed away, I was pretty much in shock and emotionless. It was almost like I was in a coma, but coherent. Just going through the motions, for the most part. A few months after her death, my alcohol dependency was out of control. I was still running my business, but as soon as I was done for the day, I was buying alcohol. I recall being in line to buy beer at 8 AM, one day and thinking "what the hell am I doing?" It was then that I recognized and accepted that I had a problem. I remember telling some friends that I was going to quit drinking and switch to drugs. We laughed it off, but eventually, I refer to this period of my life as "the lost years". Sure enough, I stopped drinking...a promise that I kept for over 2 years, but at a cost.
I will never forget the day that I had to pick my daughter, who was now a freshman in high school, up from school early. I had to go to the office and wait for her and while I was waiting, I noticed a flyer on the wall talking about different types of drugs that teenagers are currently taking. One in particular stood out to me...Dextromethorphan or DXM. I remember dropping her off and then going home to do research on it. DXM is basically the main ingredient in some types of cough medicine (syrup/pills). Depending on the amount that you take, it can produce euphoric feelings and can even cause you to disassociate, somewhat like Ketamine. I was very intrigued by this fact and after doing my homework, I bought myself a bottle. I must say that my first time was amazing. I was listening to The Beatles and swore I heard things in songs that I have never heard before. Little did I know, that this experience would really cause such an impact in my life.
For the next 2 years, there probably wasn't a day where I didn't get high. It really seemed to open up my creative outlet and as someone into photography, it seemed a perfect match. At this point, running my business became secondary and drugs took over. I would either go into work and get high and shoot photos immediately after I was done or I would just not go in at all and do the same. This came with a cost of course, health issues like upset stomach and severe anxiety attacks were pretty common. In my mind, it was justified by the fact that I wasn't drinking. Gwen knew about all this and tolerated it to extent, but things would sometimes get to a point where I started to develop memory issues. I would be looking for something and it was right in front of me and there is countless days that I don't even recall. Who knows what I was doing? It eventually got a point where I was almost completely detached. It was all about me. At some point during this phase, I decided that I wanted to be single and Gwen and I separated. I ended up living with one of my clients and continued to repeat my pattern of destructive behavior. Gwen and I were separated maybe 6 months, when I decided that I didn't like being single/alone and I made an attempt to reconcile. I did what I felt I had to do and eventually, Gwen let me move back in and resume "normal" life.
After I moved back in, I was still getting high, but I had to be very secretive about it. I think I actually saw this as a rush...thinking that I was smarter than her because she didn't know. One thing I noticed was that I began to lose business at my gym. Clients trusted me and slowly they began to leave, because I just wasn't there, for the most part. This took an enormous toll on me, as I quite often would work and not get paid, because I had rent or utilities that I had to pay.
It was at this point that I realized that drug abuse was the root cause of things, so I decided that I should quit. I hadn't had a drink for years, but I felt as if the only way I could quit drugs, was to start drinking again. Sure enough, I made the transition from drug addict, back to alcoholic.
New job
In the Summer of 2015, I was so stressed out and tired, that I closed my business. I didn't know what I was going to do, but knew I could find something. In the Fall, I found a job at a corporate gym and worked there for a few months. It was exciting at first, but as things tend to go, the pressure ended up getting to me and I quit.
That brings us to where I am now...unemployed and dealing with addiction on a daily basis. Gwen had lost her job in the Summer, but ended up getting another sometime in November. The catch was that she had to go out of town for a month for training. It has been nearly 2 weeks since she has been gone and it is tough as hell for me. I often feel like she abandoned me. I spent probably an hour or two per day applying for jobs, but I'm finding out that it's not that easy to find a good job, especially without a degree.
Conclusion
So that's a little bit about me. I feel like I have covered quite a few key moments in my life that has resulted in shaping who I am. Borderline Personality Me.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Introduction part 3
There are a few times in life that I call "fork in the road" moments. I experienced one of those moments after I walked in on Gwen. In my mind, I felt as if I had two choices. I could just never talk to her again and move on or I could get back together with her and make her life a living hell and try to get my revenge. (Looking back, I realize that there were plenty other options, but this was the classic borderline black and white thought process in full effect.) In this case, I chose to get back with her. I knew that I had the upper hand and felt like I was owed something, for her hurting me. It's funny how as I type this, I feel like such a jerk for thinking this way. Anyhow, we eventually got back together and within a few months, I was actually living with her. For some reason, I don't really recall too many details during this period. I know that things were definitely rocky and she was walking on eggshells. The next thing I know, we are exchanging wedding vows, a little over a year after the "wake up call".
2011
Note* I forgot to mention in part 2, that in 2008, after a failed overdose, I quit working in the IT field, went back to college for a while and ended up working in the fitness industry.
After a few months of marriage, Gwen was pregnant and gave birth to an amazing baby boy. Things were good for awhile, but before you knew it, I was back to my old ways. I would go out and party with friends, I cheated on her a few times and was in my typical self destruct mode. In 2011 she told me that she wanted a divorce. I moved out for a week or so, but then I convinced her to get back together. Once again, repeating the patterns that I have used for most of my life.
2011 was a shitty year for me, for a number of reasons. Since Fall 2008, I was working in the fitness industry, specializing in training individuals with disabilities. In the Summer of 2008, my best friend and coworker quit the gym because he felt as if he wasn't getting paid enough. Prior to this, we had talked about starting our own gym together and I was all in. After he surprisingly quit, I just assumed that we would be starting our own business. I was wrong. I ended up finding out that he was starting his own competing gym and didn't want me to be a part of it. This was the first time that I can recall being abandoned by a male since my father and it deeply scarred me. I took the attitude of OK, you are going to screw me over? I'm going to kick ass and win. It felt eerily similar to how I felt after the "wake up call"...abandoned, hurt and betrayed by someone that I trusted.
A week or so before Thanksgiving 2011, I receive a phone call. It was my mom's husband. Her husband said that she had passed out on the floor at their apartment and that he called EMS. He said that my mother was in the ER, so I rushed to the hospital and her in a terrible state. She appeared hardly coherent and her speak was unrecognizable. She had had several small strokes over the years, so I assumed that it had happened again. Over the next few days, her condition got worse and the medical staff determined that she had a tumor on her brain stem and that she wouldn't have much time left. To say that this shocked me would be an understatement...I was too young to lose a parent...it's not supposed to happen this way...she was the only person I felt who gave unconditional love and support to me. Less than 10 days later she passed away in hospice.
2011
Note* I forgot to mention in part 2, that in 2008, after a failed overdose, I quit working in the IT field, went back to college for a while and ended up working in the fitness industry.
After a few months of marriage, Gwen was pregnant and gave birth to an amazing baby boy. Things were good for awhile, but before you knew it, I was back to my old ways. I would go out and party with friends, I cheated on her a few times and was in my typical self destruct mode. In 2011 she told me that she wanted a divorce. I moved out for a week or so, but then I convinced her to get back together. Once again, repeating the patterns that I have used for most of my life.
2011 was a shitty year for me, for a number of reasons. Since Fall 2008, I was working in the fitness industry, specializing in training individuals with disabilities. In the Summer of 2008, my best friend and coworker quit the gym because he felt as if he wasn't getting paid enough. Prior to this, we had talked about starting our own gym together and I was all in. After he surprisingly quit, I just assumed that we would be starting our own business. I was wrong. I ended up finding out that he was starting his own competing gym and didn't want me to be a part of it. This was the first time that I can recall being abandoned by a male since my father and it deeply scarred me. I took the attitude of OK, you are going to screw me over? I'm going to kick ass and win. It felt eerily similar to how I felt after the "wake up call"...abandoned, hurt and betrayed by someone that I trusted.
A week or so before Thanksgiving 2011, I receive a phone call. It was my mom's husband. Her husband said that she had passed out on the floor at their apartment and that he called EMS. He said that my mother was in the ER, so I rushed to the hospital and her in a terrible state. She appeared hardly coherent and her speak was unrecognizable. She had had several small strokes over the years, so I assumed that it had happened again. Over the next few days, her condition got worse and the medical staff determined that she had a tumor on her brain stem and that she wouldn't have much time left. To say that this shocked me would be an understatement...I was too young to lose a parent...it's not supposed to happen this way...she was the only person I felt who gave unconditional love and support to me. Less than 10 days later she passed away in hospice.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Introduction part 2
My previous post laid out how the Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms apply to me, so today I thought I would share some additional information about myself.
I am a 40 year old male, living in the USA and have been married twice. My first wife and I were married for 5 years and have 2 kids together. My current wife, Gwen and I have been married nearly 7 years, have a son together and she has a daughter from a previous marriage.
Below is an of significant events throughout my life:
Early years
When I was around 5 or so, my father sexually abused me. As I was so young, I don't know if this was a one-time incident or if there were more that I don't remember or blocked out. My father was also very physically/verbally/mentally abusive to my mother throughout my formative years. I remember seeing when he would hit her or call her vulgar names. I cannot imagine the hell she must have gone through, as I am sure that there were more incidents that I did not see. I went to a private, Christian elementary school and loved it. I was the class clown, had lots of friends and really enjoyed those times and excelled academically.
Preteen
When I was in 5th grade, my mother and father separated for a little less than a year. I can remember weekends with my father pretty vividly. For some reason, he wanted to take showers together, which at the time, didn't think was too odd, but of course looking back, I realized his intentions were not innocent. My parents ended up getting back together and it was time for me to start middle school. Public middle school...a place where I only knew 1 other kid. The middle school years were hell for me as I was constantly picked on. Those years are tough enough for anyone, but they really changed who I was and felt as a human. This was in the late 80's/early 90's, when the whole current anti-bullying stance was not en vogue. My parents never knew that I would dread every single day...that I lived in constant fear, praying "please God let me have a good day and not get made fun of". As a result of this, I went from being the outgoing class clown, to being extremely shy, withdrawn, scared and felt worthless.
Teenage years
I survived middle school and although I would still get picked on my freshman year, it wasn't nearly as bad. I believe the things I dealt with during middle school attributed to me being a total slacker academically in high school. My parents didn't graduate college and were successful professionally, so it was never really drilled into my head that I needed to attend college. I did the bare minimum at school and was at best a high C/low B student. I didn't have a girlfriend...never did drugs or drank. I did develop a passion for music, especially The Beatles, which still exists to this day. After graduation, I worked call center jobs for a few years...attended college for maybe a year, until I quit.
Early adult
When I was 21, I decided that my life wasn't going anywhere, so I should join the Army. I made it through Basic Training, but realized halfway throughout, that it wasn't for me. I even remember an incident when I told my drill sergeants that I was gay, in hopes of getting discharged. I got to my advanced training and just couldn't take it anymore. I went AWOL, knowing that I would discharged, which I did. I imagine that my family was disappointed, but I didn't care.
Married Life
The fear I felt reminded me of being in middle school, so I left. Shortly after I came back home, the Internet was starting to take off and I met a girl online and before I knew it, we were living together and then a few months later she got pregnant, so I asked her to marry me. In retrospect, I knew that I wanted to be a huge part of my child's life and wanted to try and be the family that I never had. We had a very turbulent relationship. I would cheat on her, started drinking heavily and we were constantly breaking up and separating. During this time, I ended up getting a really good job in IT...a field I would remain in for quite a while. It was also during this time that I saw a psychiatrist, who determined that I was depressed and I began to take medication. I stayed on meds for maybe a year, but didn't continue therapy past a few months. I eventually started feeling that I didn't want to be married...like I felt trapped. In my mind, I didn't want to feel regret, so instead of just leaving, I did everything I could to push and push my wife until she finally said that she wanted a divorce. Once she said that, I felt a sigh of relief and a rush of excitement.
Single Life
The next 4 years were very a tornado. My drinking frequency increased and my destructive relationships with women were on overdrive. I dated a ton, but the relationships never lasted. It was often a classic case of devaluation. I would always put them up on a pedestal and think that they were perfect, incredibly quickly. Once I did this, it would take the smallest flaw for me to flip that switch and think that they were pieces of garbage, who would hurt me. Once that happened, I would stop dating them. I remember one incident where I went on a few dates with a girl and on one date, she was late. I was more annoyed than I should have been, but I kept my cool. On the very next date, she was late again. I remember just getting up and leaving. In my mind, I saw it that I wasn't important enough for her to be on time for our dates, so she definitely would hurt me at some point in the future.
After I would break up with them, I would sometimes try to get them back, as if I was testing to see if they truly liked me. Of course, if I got them back, I would see that as a sign of weakness and break up with them again. When it came to dating, it was all about the thrill of the chase. I loved seeing/finding a women, getting her to like me and in many cases, fall in love with me. Once I felt that I "caught" her, I lost interest. Things got really interesting and my life changed, when I met Gwen.
Gwen
I will never forget the fateful Friday night when I met my future wife. Gwen and I had exchanged messages from an online dating site and chatted online for a bit and on one particular Friday night, I was bored and wanting to hook up with someone. She was online and we made a plan for me to go to her house to watch a movie. I don't know if it was my understanding of how women work or my sheer narcissism, but in my eyes, I knew that it was going to basically be a booty call. Sure enough, we watched the movie and ended up having sex. She was different than the girls that I typically went for...older than me and not a supermodel figure, but she was really awesome to talk to and was great in bed, so over the next few months, she became my go to piece of ass. She would even find girls for me to meet or girls to have threesomes with. The whole time, she was really into me and began to fall for me. I saw this, but was having too much fun, so I ignored it...until I started to feel the same for her.
Wake up call
In December 2007, I told her that I loved her and wanted to be with her. She said OK,but in her mind, she didn't believe me. In my mind, I was all in and was super happy. The day after I told her that I loved her, was a day that will be etched in my memory forever. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied.
I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I refer to this incident as "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.
To be continued...
I am a 40 year old male, living in the USA and have been married twice. My first wife and I were married for 5 years and have 2 kids together. My current wife, Gwen and I have been married nearly 7 years, have a son together and she has a daughter from a previous marriage.
Below is an of significant events throughout my life:
Early years
When I was around 5 or so, my father sexually abused me. As I was so young, I don't know if this was a one-time incident or if there were more that I don't remember or blocked out. My father was also very physically/verbally/mentally abusive to my mother throughout my formative years. I remember seeing when he would hit her or call her vulgar names. I cannot imagine the hell she must have gone through, as I am sure that there were more incidents that I did not see. I went to a private, Christian elementary school and loved it. I was the class clown, had lots of friends and really enjoyed those times and excelled academically.
Preteen
When I was in 5th grade, my mother and father separated for a little less than a year. I can remember weekends with my father pretty vividly. For some reason, he wanted to take showers together, which at the time, didn't think was too odd, but of course looking back, I realized his intentions were not innocent. My parents ended up getting back together and it was time for me to start middle school. Public middle school...a place where I only knew 1 other kid. The middle school years were hell for me as I was constantly picked on. Those years are tough enough for anyone, but they really changed who I was and felt as a human. This was in the late 80's/early 90's, when the whole current anti-bullying stance was not en vogue. My parents never knew that I would dread every single day...that I lived in constant fear, praying "please God let me have a good day and not get made fun of". As a result of this, I went from being the outgoing class clown, to being extremely shy, withdrawn, scared and felt worthless.
Teenage years
I survived middle school and although I would still get picked on my freshman year, it wasn't nearly as bad. I believe the things I dealt with during middle school attributed to me being a total slacker academically in high school. My parents didn't graduate college and were successful professionally, so it was never really drilled into my head that I needed to attend college. I did the bare minimum at school and was at best a high C/low B student. I didn't have a girlfriend...never did drugs or drank. I did develop a passion for music, especially The Beatles, which still exists to this day. After graduation, I worked call center jobs for a few years...attended college for maybe a year, until I quit.
Early adult
When I was 21, I decided that my life wasn't going anywhere, so I should join the Army. I made it through Basic Training, but realized halfway throughout, that it wasn't for me. I even remember an incident when I told my drill sergeants that I was gay, in hopes of getting discharged. I got to my advanced training and just couldn't take it anymore. I went AWOL, knowing that I would discharged, which I did. I imagine that my family was disappointed, but I didn't care.
Married Life
The fear I felt reminded me of being in middle school, so I left. Shortly after I came back home, the Internet was starting to take off and I met a girl online and before I knew it, we were living together and then a few months later she got pregnant, so I asked her to marry me. In retrospect, I knew that I wanted to be a huge part of my child's life and wanted to try and be the family that I never had. We had a very turbulent relationship. I would cheat on her, started drinking heavily and we were constantly breaking up and separating. During this time, I ended up getting a really good job in IT...a field I would remain in for quite a while. It was also during this time that I saw a psychiatrist, who determined that I was depressed and I began to take medication. I stayed on meds for maybe a year, but didn't continue therapy past a few months. I eventually started feeling that I didn't want to be married...like I felt trapped. In my mind, I didn't want to feel regret, so instead of just leaving, I did everything I could to push and push my wife until she finally said that she wanted a divorce. Once she said that, I felt a sigh of relief and a rush of excitement.
Single Life
The next 4 years were very a tornado. My drinking frequency increased and my destructive relationships with women were on overdrive. I dated a ton, but the relationships never lasted. It was often a classic case of devaluation. I would always put them up on a pedestal and think that they were perfect, incredibly quickly. Once I did this, it would take the smallest flaw for me to flip that switch and think that they were pieces of garbage, who would hurt me. Once that happened, I would stop dating them. I remember one incident where I went on a few dates with a girl and on one date, she was late. I was more annoyed than I should have been, but I kept my cool. On the very next date, she was late again. I remember just getting up and leaving. In my mind, I saw it that I wasn't important enough for her to be on time for our dates, so she definitely would hurt me at some point in the future.
After I would break up with them, I would sometimes try to get them back, as if I was testing to see if they truly liked me. Of course, if I got them back, I would see that as a sign of weakness and break up with them again. When it came to dating, it was all about the thrill of the chase. I loved seeing/finding a women, getting her to like me and in many cases, fall in love with me. Once I felt that I "caught" her, I lost interest. Things got really interesting and my life changed, when I met Gwen.
Gwen
I will never forget the fateful Friday night when I met my future wife. Gwen and I had exchanged messages from an online dating site and chatted online for a bit and on one particular Friday night, I was bored and wanting to hook up with someone. She was online and we made a plan for me to go to her house to watch a movie. I don't know if it was my understanding of how women work or my sheer narcissism, but in my eyes, I knew that it was going to basically be a booty call. Sure enough, we watched the movie and ended up having sex. She was different than the girls that I typically went for...older than me and not a supermodel figure, but she was really awesome to talk to and was great in bed, so over the next few months, she became my go to piece of ass. She would even find girls for me to meet or girls to have threesomes with. The whole time, she was really into me and began to fall for me. I saw this, but was having too much fun, so I ignored it...until I started to feel the same for her.
Wake up call
In December 2007, I told her that I loved her and wanted to be with her. She said OK,but in her mind, she didn't believe me. In my mind, I was all in and was super happy. The day after I told her that I loved her, was a day that will be etched in my memory forever. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied.
I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I refer to this incident as "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.
To be continued...
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