Slip up

 Gwen is finished with her out of town training today. It's about a 4-5 hour drive and she is not sure if she wants to leave today or tomorrow.  Everything was going well yesterday, but for some reason, a switched flipped and I had a meltdown. I could not wrap my head around the fact that she might not leave until Saturday and I took it out on her. I believe there were a few reasons for this. Part of me had the belief that I didn't mean anything to her, because if I did, she would leave to come home immediately after class was out. Another part of me was worried that she would party with her classmates and end up getting drunk and would cheat on me.
 As I type this, I realize how ridiculous my actions and thought process was. When that switch is flipped, I completely change and it's almost like an out of body experience. I get so worked up and my emotions are on overdrive, that I say and do things without thinking. Gwen has been going to bed around 8:30-9, since she has to be awake at 4 a.m., but last night I kept harassing her to the point that it was after 10:00 and she had to turn her phone off. Today she is super exhausted because of it and I feel like complete shit, because it's my fault. It's a classic example of how there is no gray area with borderlines. She still has not said when she will be leaving, but part of me hopes she waits until tomorrow. That will give her time to rest and hopefully the anger towards me will not be so intense.
 I begin my new job this Monday and am looking forward to it. For one, it will be nice to get a paycheck again, especially with Christmas a few weeks away. It will also be nice to have something to occupy my time. I haven't worked for the last month and aside from applying for jobs and going to interviews, I have been incredibly unproductive. When I have so much free time, my mind tends to race and anxiety and paranoia set in. Sucks.

Quick update

 Short post today...I had been struggling with pretty severe insomnia in the few weeks that Gwen has been out of town. I think it was related partially to being out of meds and the fact that my routine was out of whack. She returned for the weekend and I finally was able to get some good solid sleep. The time went by too fast, but we had fun and I don't recall any borderline moments. My plan this week is to keep looking and applying for jobs, continue being sober and to take each moment, one at a time.

Out of town

For the last 2 weeks, my wife has been out of town for work. Aside from times that we separated, this is the longest I can recall us being apart. Maybe a week before she left, my frequency of drinking rapidly increased. I'm not sure if it was because of being nervous about finding a job or the fact that I knew she would be gone for awhile, but I was basically getting drunk every night. When I say drunk, I don't mean buzzed, I mean that I was getting wasted, for lack of a better term. There were a few pretty intense arguments. It was as if would pick on her or turn non-issues into gigantic ones. My memory is pretty hazy, to be honest. I don't remember many specifics, but remember how I felt...angry, abandoned, sad and insecure.

 Alcohol aside, I wonder if part of this was me preparing myself for having to be at the house without her? Even though I obviously knew that was going because of work, in my mind, it was as if she was leaving me. The night before she left was a terrible one. I was drunk, as usual and we got into a heated argument over something that I can't even recall. I remember her screaming at me and even getting physical. The day she left, I felt guilty, regretful and embarrassed.

Since I am not working, I have a lot of free time. Free time that allows my brain to go on overdrive. I would get enraged if she would not text/call me back. I would play these scenarios out in my head and wonder "what is she REALLY doing?". Since she has been gone, I have been dealing with severe insomnia, which isn't helping things. After she was gone for a few days and I was sober again, I decided that I need to start back trying to figure out how to deal with my Borderline. I spent hours reading various articles,forums and blogs. One conclusion that numerous sources referred to, was that the only one who can fix me, is myself. Now my wife is a "fixer" type of person, so this combination can often get volatile, but deep down, I feel as secure with her, as I have ever felt with anyone

 One thing I really have tried to make an effort in doing, is to not act on emotional impulse. One example might be to wait a few minutes to send an accusatory text...sort of like the adage of counting to 10 before you spank your child. While it doesn't feel quite natural, I believe it has saved a ton of unnecessary arguments and anxiety. It's been nearly 2 weeks now and she is on her way home for the weekend. I'm really looking forward to it!

Introduction part 4

This is the final part of my introduction. I feel like it is important to give a brief history of me, as it will provide the background of how I got to this point. It is also therapeutic in a way, as I'm having to re-live memories that aren't very pleasant, instead of pretending that they didn't exist.

The lost years

After my mother passed away, I was pretty much in shock and emotionless. It was almost like I was in a coma, but coherent. Just going through the motions, for the most part. A few months after her death, my alcohol dependency was out of control. I was still running my business, but as soon as I was done for the day, I was buying alcohol. I recall being in line to buy beer at 8 AM, one day and thinking "what the hell am I doing?" It was then that I recognized and accepted that I had a problem. I remember telling some friends that I was going to quit drinking and switch to drugs. We laughed it off, but eventually, I refer to this period of my life as "the lost years". Sure enough, I stopped drinking...a promise that I kept for over 2 years, but at a cost.
I will never forget the day that I had to pick my daughter, who was now a freshman in high school, up from school early. I had to go to the office and wait for her and while I was waiting, I noticed a flyer on the wall talking about different types of drugs that teenagers are currently taking. One in particular stood out to me...Dextromethorphan or DXM. I remember dropping her off and then going home to do research on it. DXM is basically the main ingredient in some types of cough medicine (syrup/pills).  Depending on the amount that you take, it can produce euphoric feelings and can even cause you to disassociate, somewhat like Ketamine. I was very intrigued by this fact and after doing my homework, I bought myself a bottle. I must say that my first time was amazing. I was listening to The Beatles and swore I heard things in songs that I have never heard before. Little did I know, that this experience would really cause such an impact in my life.
 For the next 2 years, there probably wasn't a day where I didn't get high. It really seemed to open up my creative outlet and as someone into photography, it seemed a perfect match. At this point, running my business became secondary and drugs took over. I would either go into work and get high and shoot photos immediately after I was done or I would just not go in at all and do the same. This came with a cost of course, health issues like upset stomach and severe anxiety attacks were pretty common. In my mind, it was justified by the fact that I wasn't drinking. Gwen knew about all this and tolerated it to extent, but things would sometimes get to a point where I started to develop memory issues. I would be looking for something and it was right in front of me and there is countless days that I don't even recall. Who knows what I was doing? It eventually got a point where I was almost completely detached. It was all about me. At some  point during this phase, I decided that I wanted to be single and Gwen and I separated. I ended up living with one of my clients and continued to repeat my pattern of destructive behavior. Gwen and I were separated maybe 6 months, when I decided that I didn't like being single/alone and I made an attempt to reconcile. I did what I felt I had to do and eventually, Gwen let me move back in and resume "normal" life.

After I moved back in, I was still getting high, but I had to be very secretive about it. I think I actually saw this as a rush...thinking that I was smarter than her because she didn't know. One thing I noticed was that I began to lose business at my gym. Clients trusted me and slowly they began to leave, because I just wasn't there, for the most part. This took an enormous toll on me, as I quite often would work and not get paid, because I had rent or utilities that I had to pay.
 It was at this point that I realized that drug abuse was the root cause of things, so I decided that I should quit. I hadn't had a drink for years, but I felt as if the only way I could quit drugs, was to start drinking again. Sure enough, I made the transition from drug addict, back to alcoholic.

New job
In the Summer of 2015, I was so stressed out and tired, that I closed my business. I didn't know what I was going to do, but knew I could find something. In the Fall, I found a job at a corporate gym and worked there for a few months. It was exciting at first, but as things tend to go, the pressure ended up getting to me and I quit.
 That brings us to where I am now...unemployed and dealing with addiction on a daily basis. Gwen had lost her job in the Summer, but ended up getting another sometime in November. The catch was that she had to go out of town for a month for training. It has been nearly 2 weeks since she has been gone and it is tough as hell for me. I often feel like she abandoned me. I spent probably an hour or two per day applying for jobs, but I'm finding out that it's not that easy to find a good job, especially without a degree.

Conclusion
So that's a little bit about me. I feel like I have covered quite a few key moments in my life that has resulted in shaping who I am. Borderline Personality Me. 

Introduction part 3

There are a few times in life that I call "fork in the road" moments. I experienced one of those moments after I walked in on Gwen. In my mind, I felt as if I had two choices. I could just never talk to her again and move on or I could get back together with her and make her life a living hell and try to get my revenge. (Looking back, I realize that there were plenty other options, but this was the classic borderline black and white thought process in full effect.) In this case, I chose to get back with her. I knew that I had the upper hand and felt like I was owed something, for her hurting me. It's funny how as I type this, I feel like such a jerk for thinking this way. Anyhow, we eventually got back together and within a few months, I was actually living with her. For some reason, I don't really recall too many details during this period. I know that things were definitely rocky and she was walking on eggshells. The next thing I know, we are exchanging wedding vows, a little over a year after the "wake up call".

2011
Note* I forgot to mention in part 2, that in 2008, after a failed overdose, I quit working in the IT field, went back to college for a while and ended up working in the fitness industry.

After a few months of marriage, Gwen was pregnant and gave birth to an amazing baby boy. Things were good for awhile, but before you knew it, I was back to my old ways. I would go out and party with friends, I cheated on her a few times and was in my typical self destruct mode. In 2011 she told me that she wanted a divorce. I moved out for a week or so, but then I convinced her to get back together. Once again, repeating the patterns that I have used for most of my life.

2011 was a shitty year for me, for a number of reasons. Since Fall 2008, I was working in the fitness industry, specializing in training individuals with disabilities. In the Summer of 2008, my best friend and coworker quit the gym because he felt as if he wasn't getting paid enough. Prior to this, we had talked about starting our own gym together and I was all in. After he surprisingly quit, I just assumed that we would be starting our own business. I was wrong. I ended up finding out that he was starting his own competing gym and didn't want me to be a part of it. This was the first time that I can recall being abandoned by a male since my father and it deeply scarred me. I took the attitude of OK, you are going to screw me over? I'm going to kick ass and win. It felt eerily similar to how I felt after the "wake up call"...abandoned, hurt and betrayed by someone that I trusted.

A week or so before Thanksgiving 2011, I receive a phone call. It was my mom's husband. Her husband said that she had passed out on the floor at their apartment and that he called EMS. He said that my mother was in the ER, so  I rushed to the hospital and her in a terrible state. She appeared hardly coherent and her speak was unrecognizable. She had had several small strokes over the years, so I assumed that it had happened again. Over the next few days, her condition got worse and the medical staff determined that she had a tumor on her brain stem and that she wouldn't have much time left. To say that this shocked me would be an understatement...I was too young to lose a parent...it's not supposed to happen this way...she was the only person I felt who gave unconditional love and support to me. Less than 10 days later she passed away in hospice.

An introduction

I knew something just wasn't right with me. Sometimes I would be happy, go-lucky, life of the party, while other times, I would have fits of rage, sadness and felt like I just wanted to end it all. I finally decided to seek mental help in the summer of 2006 and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, with some anxiety and depression thrown in for good measure. As I started to research BPD, chills ran up my spine. It was as if I wrote the description myself.

*Note* I started a blog to document this in 2007, http://borderlinepersonalityblog.blogspot.com, but stopped posting in 2012. I've been going through severe crisis lately and decided I need an outlet and the blog helped a bit. Unfortunately, I know longer have access to the email I originally created it with, so I need to start from scratch. That being said, there will some copy/pasting from it occasionally.

I plan to update this as often as I can, but as any borderline would know, plans can change on a whim. That being said, let's get started and I hope that this acts as not only help for myself, but for others as well.

According to the DSM IV, below are the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (in bold). Below each criteria is how if it relates to me, if at all.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't think I fit this particular criteria. After some therapy however, I realized I did. In relationships, if the other person said or did something I didn't like, no matter how small, its as if a switch would flip and I would turn into a jerk. I would ignore them or say hurtful things. My therapist pointed out that the reason for this was that I was in fact afraid of them abandoning me. By acting like this, it was a defense mechanism of sorts. I would get out of the relationship before they had a chance to, even if that wasn't even there intention.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

This was the big one for me. I have been married twice,first one for 5 years and nearly 7 years currently with my second. Just as the criterion suggests, the idealization and devaluation was a vicious cycle. When I first meet a girl, I put her on a high and often unreasonable pedestal. After the smallest argument, I get disappointed, thinking that that they don't care for me, or are selfish, resulting in an abrupt change in attitude that often moves too far in the other direction. This cycle has repeated itself for as long as I can remember.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

This is another area which I have a problem with. I frequently feel that I have little self-worth and that my self concept depends mainly on the attitudes and behaviors of people close to me. If they seem loving and attentive, I feel good about myself. Criticisms however, cause anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. I also often feel unsure of who I really am, what values I believe in, even what career I should pursue. Other peoples opinions of me are much more important to me than my own.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Unfortunately, I fit this as well. Most notably excessive spending, drinking, drugs, promiscuity and binge eating. This usually occurs when I feel anxious or empty inside. Afterwards I feel a temporary "high", which is gone shortly thereafter and I'm back where I started. 5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Not so much in this area, thankfully. There was a suicide attempt the day I quit my job however. I took 8 Trileptals and 4 Lexapros. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me, but enough to send me to the hospital. My therapist described this as a "cry for help". The fact that I have a wife and kids that love and depend on me is probably the biggest factor in why I am still alive at this point.

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Check. My emotions tend to fluctuate from good to bad for reasons that are sometimes obvious, but at other times for seemingly unknown reasons. I seem to get very upset over criticisms or dissagreements that others take in stride. This triggers waves of anxiety,sadnes,anger and at times, desperation. During these "emotional storms" I often turn to alcohol or drugs and lash out in anger or rage. I'm at the point where I can often control these, but their are still times when I can't. After these periods, its like a switch is turned and I'm fine and back to "normal".

7. chronic feelings of emptiness
I often feel empty or hollow. This sometimes leads to feeling lonely or bored. I feel dissatisfied with how things in my life are going or with the people around me. When I am in a relationship and these feelings arise, they would often lead to having affairs. This would temporarily relieve the feeling of emptiness, but without a doubt, the feeling would return, along with a feeling of guilt and shame.
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
I don't get to the point where physical fights occur, but am often argumentative, quick tempered and sarcastic. The slightest exchange can result in an outburst. Sometimes in the midst of my rage, I realize that I'm overreacting, but seem unable to control the feelings that are sweeping over me.

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Check, check, check!!!

That's a tiny bit about me and my symptoms. My next post will go more in depth about myself, my family and current life.