Slip up

 Gwen is finished with her out of town training today. It's about a 4-5 hour drive and she is not sure if she wants to leave today or tomorrow.  Everything was going well yesterday, but for some reason, a switched flipped and I had a meltdown. I could not wrap my head around the fact that she might not leave until Saturday and I took it out on her. I believe there were a few reasons for this. Part of me had the belief that I didn't mean anything to her, because if I did, she would leave to come home immediately after class was out. Another part of me was worried that she would party with her classmates and end up getting drunk and would cheat on me.
 As I type this, I realize how ridiculous my actions and thought process was. When that switch is flipped, I completely change and it's almost like an out of body experience. I get so worked up and my emotions are on overdrive, that I say and do things without thinking. Gwen has been going to bed around 8:30-9, since she has to be awake at 4 a.m., but last night I kept harassing her to the point that it was after 10:00 and she had to turn her phone off. Today she is super exhausted because of it and I feel like complete shit, because it's my fault. It's a classic example of how there is no gray area with borderlines. She still has not said when she will be leaving, but part of me hopes she waits until tomorrow. That will give her time to rest and hopefully the anger towards me will not be so intense.
 I begin my new job this Monday and am looking forward to it. For one, it will be nice to get a paycheck again, especially with Christmas a few weeks away. It will also be nice to have something to occupy my time. I haven't worked for the last month and aside from applying for jobs and going to interviews, I have been incredibly unproductive. When I have so much free time, my mind tends to race and anxiety and paranoia set in. Sucks.

An introduction

I knew something just wasn't right with me. Sometimes I would be happy, go-lucky, life of the party, while other times, I would have fits of rage, sadness and felt like I just wanted to end it all. I finally decided to seek mental help in the summer of 2006 and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, with some anxiety and depression thrown in for good measure. As I started to research BPD, chills ran up my spine. It was as if I wrote the description myself.

*Note* I started a blog to document this in 2007, http://borderlinepersonalityblog.blogspot.com, but stopped posting in 2012. I've been going through severe crisis lately and decided I need an outlet and the blog helped a bit. Unfortunately, I know longer have access to the email I originally created it with, so I need to start from scratch. That being said, there will some copy/pasting from it occasionally.

I plan to update this as often as I can, but as any borderline would know, plans can change on a whim. That being said, let's get started and I hope that this acts as not only help for myself, but for others as well.

According to the DSM IV, below are the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (in bold). Below each criteria is how if it relates to me, if at all.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't think I fit this particular criteria. After some therapy however, I realized I did. In relationships, if the other person said or did something I didn't like, no matter how small, its as if a switch would flip and I would turn into a jerk. I would ignore them or say hurtful things. My therapist pointed out that the reason for this was that I was in fact afraid of them abandoning me. By acting like this, it was a defense mechanism of sorts. I would get out of the relationship before they had a chance to, even if that wasn't even there intention.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

This was the big one for me. I have been married twice,first one for 5 years and nearly 7 years currently with my second. Just as the criterion suggests, the idealization and devaluation was a vicious cycle. When I first meet a girl, I put her on a high and often unreasonable pedestal. After the smallest argument, I get disappointed, thinking that that they don't care for me, or are selfish, resulting in an abrupt change in attitude that often moves too far in the other direction. This cycle has repeated itself for as long as I can remember.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

This is another area which I have a problem with. I frequently feel that I have little self-worth and that my self concept depends mainly on the attitudes and behaviors of people close to me. If they seem loving and attentive, I feel good about myself. Criticisms however, cause anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. I also often feel unsure of who I really am, what values I believe in, even what career I should pursue. Other peoples opinions of me are much more important to me than my own.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Unfortunately, I fit this as well. Most notably excessive spending, drinking, drugs, promiscuity and binge eating. This usually occurs when I feel anxious or empty inside. Afterwards I feel a temporary "high", which is gone shortly thereafter and I'm back where I started. 5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Not so much in this area, thankfully. There was a suicide attempt the day I quit my job however. I took 8 Trileptals and 4 Lexapros. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me, but enough to send me to the hospital. My therapist described this as a "cry for help". The fact that I have a wife and kids that love and depend on me is probably the biggest factor in why I am still alive at this point.

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Check. My emotions tend to fluctuate from good to bad for reasons that are sometimes obvious, but at other times for seemingly unknown reasons. I seem to get very upset over criticisms or dissagreements that others take in stride. This triggers waves of anxiety,sadnes,anger and at times, desperation. During these "emotional storms" I often turn to alcohol or drugs and lash out in anger or rage. I'm at the point where I can often control these, but their are still times when I can't. After these periods, its like a switch is turned and I'm fine and back to "normal".

7. chronic feelings of emptiness
I often feel empty or hollow. This sometimes leads to feeling lonely or bored. I feel dissatisfied with how things in my life are going or with the people around me. When I am in a relationship and these feelings arise, they would often lead to having affairs. This would temporarily relieve the feeling of emptiness, but without a doubt, the feeling would return, along with a feeling of guilt and shame.
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
I don't get to the point where physical fights occur, but am often argumentative, quick tempered and sarcastic. The slightest exchange can result in an outburst. Sometimes in the midst of my rage, I realize that I'm overreacting, but seem unable to control the feelings that are sweeping over me.

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Check, check, check!!!

That's a tiny bit about me and my symptoms. My next post will go more in depth about myself, my family and current life.