Slip up

 Gwen is finished with her out of town training today. It's about a 4-5 hour drive and she is not sure if she wants to leave today or tomorrow.  Everything was going well yesterday, but for some reason, a switched flipped and I had a meltdown. I could not wrap my head around the fact that she might not leave until Saturday and I took it out on her. I believe there were a few reasons for this. Part of me had the belief that I didn't mean anything to her, because if I did, she would leave to come home immediately after class was out. Another part of me was worried that she would party with her classmates and end up getting drunk and would cheat on me.
 As I type this, I realize how ridiculous my actions and thought process was. When that switch is flipped, I completely change and it's almost like an out of body experience. I get so worked up and my emotions are on overdrive, that I say and do things without thinking. Gwen has been going to bed around 8:30-9, since she has to be awake at 4 a.m., but last night I kept harassing her to the point that it was after 10:00 and she had to turn her phone off. Today she is super exhausted because of it and I feel like complete shit, because it's my fault. It's a classic example of how there is no gray area with borderlines. She still has not said when she will be leaving, but part of me hopes she waits until tomorrow. That will give her time to rest and hopefully the anger towards me will not be so intense.
 I begin my new job this Monday and am looking forward to it. For one, it will be nice to get a paycheck again, especially with Christmas a few weeks away. It will also be nice to have something to occupy my time. I haven't worked for the last month and aside from applying for jobs and going to interviews, I have been incredibly unproductive. When I have so much free time, my mind tends to race and anxiety and paranoia set in. Sucks.

Excess

I took the kids up to visit Gwen over the weekend. She has one more week left in training and will be back home this Saturday. Overall it went okay, but it went by very fast, especially considering it's a 5 hour drive. The only slightly borderline moment occurred when it was almost time to leave. In my mind, I told myself that the kids and I would leave at 1 p.m., but there was a change of plans. Gwen wanted us to visit her companies headquarters and between the drive over there and the time spent touring it, we didn't get on the road until after 1:30. Yes I realize that it is only 30 minutes, but I have a huge problem when plans change and I hate it. I tend to work well with structure and that is something that I haven't had for a few years, it seems. Another issue I have had to deal with the last few weeks is a super poor diet. Over the last 15 years, healthy diet and exercise has been a huge part of my life. For the last month or so, it's been the opposite. It seems like I purposely try to eat the worst foods and as much as I possibly can.  It reminds me of my drinking habits. There was no moderation...it was always to excess. I tell myself, okay, starting tomorrow, I'll eat better and exercise. It's always tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come.